With my fists balled and my face tensed, I hesitantly rounded the kitchen corner and winced as I saw and realized that what had happened was actually much more than just the simple incident.
I knew there was a life lesson happening in my midst, and as I took a deep breath in, held back a solitary tear, calmed the voice in my head telling me these emotions are so silly for something so small...I actually thanked Jesus for being beside me, and for reminding me of this simple, yet profound truth:
He loves me...JUST the way I am.
Here's how I know.
In the last month or two I have begun to collect little things to add to the decor in my home...which if you know me at all...is WAY out of character. I'd much rather spend Daddy G's hard earned money (chuckle) on fun things for the kids, family outings, or a new summer wardrobe. But just recently, I have discovered, if I REALLY like the space I am living in, it makes for an overall happier Mommy, which in turn affects the whole fam-i-lam-i-ly! One of the things I have learned about myself on these home furnishing extravaganzas, is that...I have NO CLUE what my taste is. I see things that are beautiful, but are they attractive to me just because I know ____ will love them, or I saw something similar in ____'s home, so when she comes over, I know she'll approve? I am sensing a little of that achievement issue rising up, and at the end of the day, none of those pieces say ME...I need to choose things 'cause I like them...end of story.
Recently, I was sharing with my girlfriend Kirsten all of this and her Socrates-esque wisdom was to "not decorate your home for others, but just for you." Easy right? Hmm, not for the president of A.I.A. My goal had been to have my home look good so when we have people over, I am proud to have them in a beautiful space. Now, I am on a self discovery road that is showing me that even if I live in a place like...oh...I dunno...this
(so sorry if you are reading my blog and this actually IS your house...just saying...uh, maybe a new paint job is a good investment? Or not? Whatever you like right?)
or if the sign to my place says this
..it actually doesn't even matter to the people who matter! Because apparently, they just wanna hang out with me...and my family...and they actually LOVE me, no matter what vases are in my window.
I am thankful for my kitchen window.
I am thankful for the 3 vases with flowers that everyone can see from the front of my house, so that they all know I have the prettiest window on the block. So that they all know I can impress. So that they all know I have a perfect life inside these walls. So that they all know I have achievement issues. Guess what?
I have become informed that God loves me with my pretty vases, or...
When you have a moment, go over to Angie's post that was done almost a year ago exactly, that is so similar, and so beautiful, and says so much more eloquently, what I have learned here today.
Although, the smashed vases were an accident in this case, what God had in store for me to know about myself is not.
He wants me. Smashed up and all.
Just. The.Way. I. Am.