Friday, October 17, 2008

Room 201

I am beginning to think that God must work on a rewards system with His angels, but instead of a gold star or sucker for good behavior, they get the pleasure of spending a day in room 201 in Heaven's west wing. I imagine when you walk into this honored room, it is essentially white and empty but for a round desk in the middle which, under a glass case, is on display, none other than the holy Rolodex. It holds every name of every person alive on earth at that precise moment. Maybe the four angels with the best behavior get to sit at this table and do a "Price is Right" type spin on the big wheel, and WHOOOLAH! Grab a name card, show it to one another, and then slyly grin. For, THIS is the person they get to totally MESS with for one whole day. I'm also convinced that my name is in that Rolodex about 100 more times than any other name. Well, it appears, my name came up

Friday's in our house are known more commonly as "Kira" day. We meet up with Kira (who is 3), her brother James (who is 1) and her sweet Mommy, who has become one of my favorite friends. So between the 2 of us "grown-ups" (I use that term loosely), we have 5 kids, ages 4,3,2,1 and 3 months. Oh, you should see some of the looks we get. Once, a check out lady at the local grocer asked me jokingly (I think) if they were all mine. I laughed and retorted, "Oh no, they're all HERS"...pointing to my friend.

We have done lunch Friday, and park Friday, dress-up Friday, and craft Friday, backyard Friday and movie Friday...and today, it was...mall Friday.Kira's family is getting family photos done tomorrow, so we were on a hunt to find some cute brown wintery vests for the kids.

Going to the mall...(or any public place for that matter) always entails the pre-(insert public place here)-talk with my kids. We sit in the van when we arrive, and gently bring to mind the guidelines of mall behaviour, promising a large bag of Dora rainbow sugar covered popcorn if no one is arrested, maimed, bleeding, or naked by the time we leave. (Although I know very well, that that popcorn place is the very first stop for 3 very precise, pre-planned reasons...a) keeps them occupied, b) keeps their mouths full...aka...quiet, and c) is a great thing to threaten taking away if and when questionable behaviour arises.) Will you find this technique used on Supernanny? Um, probably not...but it lets me get done what needs to get done, and I'll chose a 1 hour mall trip with 3-5 children over a 5 hour one ANY day.

After the pre-mall talk has commenced, and I am sure they have not only listened to every word, but have full intentions of obeying each one, I release the girls from their seats of constraint, and (they know the drill), direct them to place both hands on the drivers side door of the van. (You know, like a bad boy COPS episode.) This way, I know they are glued in place while I maneuver a 20 lb sleeping baby from his carseat into the baby bjorn which will successively proceed to break my weak little back. I REALLY want him to STAY sleeping, (and inform my girls of such) and know if I move juuuuust slow enough and not make any clamorous sounds, this may be possible. One arm...two leg...two legs....Mommy breathe...gooooood... AHHHH!!!....WHAT ON EARTH?

Looking back now, who can REALLY expect a 2 year old NOT to scream at the top of her lungs "ECHO!! ECHO!! ECHO!!" in a cement underground parkade??! So much for sleeping. (Thank you room 201, angel #1, I presume).

We meet up at the Starbucks meeting place (a deliberate and much needed choice by the Mommies) and the timer begins. T-minus 60 minutes until baby L starts screaming for a boobie, 30 minutes until Princess B needs to go potty, and 2 minutes until all involved are thirsty, and must say so for the next 15. After a few Mommy stops, ones that I'm sure would be ranked under zero on the excitement-metor for the kids, we decide to check out the Pet Store. Always a fan favorite. It's been a while since we've been here, and I am about to be reminded why I usually have Princess B in one of those mall rent-a-strollers... you know, the ones that look like a car, that are way too wide and knock over all sorts of displays and have gooey muffin and goldfish cracker remnants all over them from the last lucky patron...yah, those. Well, they didn't have any left (thank you angel #2).

Now Princess B is walking around the pet store in what I would call complete gleeful terror. That kind of look on a kid's face that says 'I am so beyond excited at this moment that I don't know whether to scream and bang my head against the counter or flail my arms in the air and pee my pants.' I DO thank the angels that she decided against both of those choices, but I DO have a bone to pick with the one who decided that THIS was a good alternative. "B!! PUT THAT FISH BACK IN THE TANK!! RIGHT...NOW!!!" (Props to YOU, angel #3)

There were many more "thank you angels" moments in the mall, like the concentrated pounding against Old Navy's MASSIVE windows, the gargantuan alligator tears when Princess B dropped one blue ball of popcorn on the floor and was insisting we turn around to rescue the 'man overboard', Queen S practically licking the dirty, grimy, germ covered charity coin bank as she planted slobbery kisses all over it (yes, the identical one as the dog one in the grocery store a few stories back.) But all these are dull in comparison to the ride home. This was the time of the day, when all 4 angels just began whipping stuff at me for fun. And this is when all I could do was stare forward at the bumper to bumper rush hour traffic, listen to my baby wailing in the seat directly behind me, and subsequently, Princess B yelling as loud as she could, 'MOMMY THE BABY'S CRYING' over...and over...and over...and Queen S trying to sing above all the racket 'Hide it under a bush..HELL NO..I'm gunna let it shine'....did I mention the traffic...that's not moving more than an inch an hour....yes, this is the time when the tears well up...and I start laughing. Like a completely crazed lunatic. Tears pouring down now, deep wheezing gasps between breaths, and straight up gut wrenching belly laughs, spewing spit and boogers across my front windshield. (Why isn't there a wiper on the inside of the window?)

Thank you precious angels. You outdid yourselves. I hope you enjoyed the show. And if you are really good...really REALLY good, you may just get another crack at room 201, and chances are, if it's about 3 weeks from'll just happen to pull my name again from that oh so holy Rolodex. Until's 9pm and I'm going to bed.


Imaginate said...

Why do you think that angels want to torture you? Hmm wait a minute , I do recall when Isaiah received his call, an angel touched his lips with a red hot coal from the altar. Which coal, it is said the angel conveyed to him by the "tongs" off the altar.

OK maybe you have a point.

MomC567 said...

I always wondered about 'those' days..and now I was my rolodex really have to publish these, Becky!