Friday, December 12, 2008

Kiss MG goodbye!

So I had a bad day.

My excuses span from lack of...ahem...I mean NO sleep, to the sucky economy, to pressure of christmas concerts and recitals and kids angel costumes being made, and no snow as of December 11th, blah blah blah. This, and plenty more, put me in somewhat of a compromised demeanor.

And therefore, I threw fits like an expert toddler for most of the day and had, well, in mommy terms, very bad behaviour.

I could talk about the entire pan of brownies I managed to eat by myself, yet blame on the kids when Daddy G asked.

Or the movie upon movie that my darling children's eyeballs were glued to all day long.

Or maybe the dishes that piled up on top of the dishwasher. Yeah. They got THAT close. But I couldn't even open it up and put them in. Just stack em to the roof.

Or what about the phone calls that I didn't answer all day cause I couldn't bring myself to be cheery to anybody, especially the outsourced indian lady demanding I pay up the 40 bux owing on my phone bill. Sigh.

But beyond all of those trivial things...there was this.
I was extremely snappy to Queen S. I was irritated, not because of anything she was doing per say, but just because I was having a bad day, and somehow that justified my rude tude.

Nearing the end of this miserable day, I began to feel something very heavy resting it's full body weight on my shoulders. Ah, yes. Hello familiar friend...or not friend...Mommy Guilt was back to claim a stake in the carnage of the day.

The thing with Mommy Guilt is that if you try to put in place the old saying, "Ignore it and it will go away" find that it really DID only apply to bumblebees. It doesn't go away. In fact, in my humble experience, I find ignoring it is actually like watering a hungry plant, and it just grows and grows and gets heavier and influences more snappy behavior.

The best thing to do with this ugly visitor is to send her packing asap. The only way to do that is to do the very thing that you would try to avoid at all costs when you were a child...yep...say you are sorry.

I hopped into the shower with Queen S and whist bubbling up her still babysoft skin, I apologized. I was sure she had been stung by my attitude and lack of mothering skills, and was almost positive she would bow her head down and mumble something like "It's ok mom", when really, we both knew it wasn't ok. After the words were out of my mouth, it is an understatement to say that I was completely surprised that her response was nothing what I expected.

With a cheerful look up into my eyes, she tilted her head and asked, "For what Mommy? I didn't see you do anything."

Good thing the shower was sprinkling water drops all over my face, so the tears could just blend in. I was sure I had damaged her for life by ignoring her most of the day and being snappy at her when she asked something. I was sure I'd be paying for years of therapy for her as she blubbered to her counsellor about what a terrible selfish mother she had. Instead, not only was I forgiven, but the wrong was not even seen through her eyes. She just looked at me through this pure innocent love. My behavior didn't affect how she loved me. Can you feel a lesson coming on? I could feel it at the moment, and I love when I hear the voice of God through my kids. It's the most humble way of a gentle reminder from my Father...

I think we, as mommies, have a knack for not only inviting Mommy Guilt up onto our shoulders, but also to feed her, and give her a bath, and read her bedtime stories. At least I know I do. I feel like I'd rather carry the guilt that have to go to God, admit I'm a shmuck sometimes, and feel deflated and empty after. But this week, He reminded me of this. He's already forgiven me. It's formality for me to come and ask, for the good of MY heart to become repentant. But as far as He's concerned, you never have to worry about Him rejecting your appeal. He will ALWAYS say to you, no matter WHAT the wrong, "I didn't see you do anything." As soon as we are repentant, He removes our sin as far as the East is from the West is what my Bible says.

This does not mean there are not natural consequences for our rebellious murder someone, our justice laws say you rot in jail...but if you come to God repentant....he's forgiven you and promises to remove the sin...and to be with you every second as you rot away. Your behavior does not affect how MUCH He loves you. Crazy hey?

This is a bit deeper than the usual Momma's Moments post, but sometimes when the lightbulb comes on, I like to share with my chocolates...oh...that's what I have started calling you all...because, like chocolates, you are good therapy for me and I can go for some at any hour of the day...or night.

Love you all. Be encouraged...don't be so hard on yourself...we're all running this ratrace together!




Cara said...

very VERY well said Becky!! thanks for that reminder :)

Christy said...

I agree whole heartedly!

It makes me want to crawl into bed with my oldest and tell him that I'm very sorry for all my bad behavior these past weeks...