Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Project Momma Runway

See my hand? It's raised. Because I have a question.


But first, to preface this query...

Today, Queen S had her first day of "kindergarten readiness" classes. These run for 2 days a week for 3 months, and introduce her to the school and the children who will be in her class in September.

I think this is a genius idea, for many reasons. Not the least of which is Mommy gets two more days of "get stuff done" time. (Yes, with only 2 babes at home it DOES make a difference, specially when baby is sleeping! The 7 loads of laundry that just got put away is proof!)

Sidetracked...moving on...So. I have no doubts whatsoever that she will fit in wonderfully, make many a new friend and maybe even learn a new skill or two before she jumps into day 1 of her 13 year school career. The question I have in fact has nothing to do with her at all.

Have you seen (insert any teen drama chick flick here) in which there is a scene with the 5 hot cheerleader type girls walking in slow motion towards the camera, sun gleaming in their wind blown hair, skirts incredibly too short, and every guy who got the call that morning to be a background extra is counting his lucky stars....yah..that part...well, no one told me that kindergarten would be like that...WITH THE MOMS!

Except it more looks like this:
Mom A walks up pushing her brand new Phil & Ted's Vibe inline eye candy stroller (http://www.philandteds.com), while talking on her cell phone and balancing her Starbux non-fat,half sweet, half soy,extra hot, half shot vanilla latte, all while sporting the new black tight mini dress by J.Lo, and matching accessories, including sunglasses, watch and 6 inch heels.

Mom B immediately up & downs Mom A, like she's a huge slab of boneless steak just discounted half price, and after the initial disgust and jealously fades, she plasters on her best fake smile and struts over, interrupting Mom A's phone call to introduce herself, with only what I can guess to be as a completely fabricated Texan drawl.

Mom C has been watching the interactions intently, and as she nervously arranges the pleats in her skirt and smooths down her son's cowlick, again, she straightens her shoulders, takes a deep breath and then, like using a shield in a protester attack, holds her son in front of her as she baby steps towards the social slaughter ring that is slowly forming. Her introductory words include a slight stutter as she states, "M-my son h-a-as the same shoes as yours, we found them at the thrift st-tore." Honest intentions, she tried. She wanted to display some common ground. She's out. You NEVER tell Hollywood wannabe, Mom A, that her son's shoes are being sold for 3 dollars at the local bargain shop.

Mom D is apprehensively biting her nails and looks as though she may just puke.

Mom E is white as a ghost, and if I am correct, which I think I am, those look like tear streaks that have lined both sides of her flushed cheeks.

There is of course the peanut gallery...the mom's who will for no reason whatsoever interact with other parents. Recipe is drop off child, turn 180 degrees, and BOLT, not making eye contact with anyone even if there is blood!

And then, there is me. I was so busy with what is my crazy life, I whipped on a pair of yoga pants that matched the tee I wore to bed that I still had on and ran out the door. Little did I know that I was to be on Top Mommy Model that morning. Who in their right mind has 5 hours to get themselves all dolled up EVERY morning just to drop off their 5 year old to school? AND have time to go through Starbux. I did overhear her saying that her two nannies had their work cut out for them now that they had to be at the house by 6. Ridiculous...
My question is this:

Will the REAL LIFE MOMMY please stand up??
How am I going to survive this primitive competition of kindergarten mothers?

Maybe next class I'll hire some Men In Black to escort Queen S in. That otta get the tongues wagging...like DON'T they know WHO I AM?? I have a BLOG dang it! I am SOMEBODY! Oh, and maybe I'll get out my old gear, and show up in this:




Mama4Real said...

Real Life Mommy is standing up tall, above the rest waving her arms around like a crazy person b/c she recognizes you and is yelling to you that she got your son's poo stain out of her couch from last week's play date.

Renee said...

I am standing-well in my head- it is hard to stand and type! Yes, It does seem to be that way, and you did enroll her in the "special french school" so I would guess it is extra so. I do make sure to have brushed my hair and put on my "for public" clothes before taking anyone to school, but I wish you could just run in in what ever you had on and drop them off, but the truth is that you are always being judged, anytime you are in public, particularly when you are in a place where you will see the people again. Sad but that is the human way. Do your best to be who you are- and you are a wonderful person and a great mommy, and let them think what ever they may! One of my best gifts from Nayden.