Monday, November 24, 2008
You can't even make this stuff up.
First, a story, to preface this weeks NMM.
I had to do the grocery shop. Not the jug of milk and block of cheese 4 minute shop. The 2 hour 250 dollar shop. I can not honestly, in good conscience, leave all 3 kids with my husband at bedtime. I don't know about YOUR house around bedtime, but it's never my favorite time of day to try and make tired children do anything you say. After the kids are asleep, you can usually find me evacuating sox out of the fish tank and cleaning toothpaste off of various bath toys. I digress...point is, 3 kids alone with hubby at bedtime...not going to happen. So comes my decision...who comes with Mommy? Let's take a look at our candidates.
S: 4.5 years old. Will not ride in the cart anymore. Will pick up any and all stuffed animals in those stupid "middle of the isle" bins. Will want a treat from the bakery at the end of the trip, which will probably be around 10 pm. Will sing loudly down each isle about every product she sees and recognizes. Creative, yes. Annoying, yes.
B: 31 days and counting until she's 3. Will still ride in the cart. You would think this is a good thing...until her arms stretch out like a helicopter and knock down 3 rows of canned corn, beans and tomatoes. She begins asking if we're done yet the moment we walk through the doors. About 30 minutes in, she will have a predicted meltdown, want out of the cart, and subsequently try to strip nek-ed faster than you can try to keep her clothes on.
L: 3 days until he's 5 months. If timed properly, will probably sleep the whole trip. In a bjorn. Breaking my back.
Settled. A broken back it is. And thus began the grocery trip full of NMM material.
There is NO possible way that I ignored my little gut bubbles before I left the house, because I HAD to get this shop done. And no WAY did I get one bottle of shampoo in the cart before I had to ditch it and bolt to the handicap washroom (aka poo palace). Not wanting to wake up my lil man asleep in the baby bjorn, I would NEVER consider actually pulling a "dumb&dumber" bathroom scene WITH him still strapped on me, his legs dangling vulnerably close to the danger zone. (I must admit though, there's a strange sense of accomplishment that overcomes one after relieving oneself with a young infant attached to your front. Not that I would know personally.)
After the aforementioned incident that you will never get me to admit ever happened, I was not so adamant on getting this shop done that I did not book it over to the pharmacy section and down half a bottle of Pepto Bismol right in the middle of the isle. Dripping little pink gooey jewels on baby L's unaware sleeping bald head. With an entire group of pharmacy interns looking on in disbelief. And if anyone tells you that the new cherry flavor tastes better, they are lying. And that's the truth.
When reaching for a bag of bread that happened to be on the top shelf, I did not somewhat slip, and when I caught myself, I did not see the entire contents of said bread fall out of the bag and pile up on the floor. Not wanting to bend down with my sleeping monkey, and seeing no store clerk in proximity, I did not just use my foot to gently kick the pieces of bread under the shelf. I have no guilt for the mold stench that will fill the bakery section next week if this was not noticed.
And finally, after my lil man woke up, I did not jiggle him around a bit too much as I was switching his position to front facing, which didn't result in baby puke all over the frozen peas bin. In between all the bags. Sticky, cold, baby puke peas. I did not actually consider just buying all 20 packages of peas so I wouldn't have to gross out some unlucky 15 year old employee with clean up in isle 6.
Good times. Shall I take the 2 year old next time? If I do, I'll be back with an even longer NMM list from that experience I am SO sure!